Personal Change

Truth be told, I ran away quite a bit in my life. Mostly from relationships, to be honest. Whenever one of my relationships was slowly dying, because the flame had simply burned out, I was usually too much of a coward to be honest and quickly end things. So I would run away. Go to seminars and trainings that required being away for a couple of days. Find a job far from home. Start a job or a business that would take up all my time. You name it, I probably tried it.
Nothing to be proud of, and I certainly never wanted to admit to any of it, until I met my wife. My relationship with her was different from everything I had had before and it made me see clearly what I had done in the past and how I (mis)treated previous partners.
Of course our relationship has had its not so perfect times too. And yes, there were times I was really glad I could go abroad for business for a couple of days. Yes, there were times I felt like I was beginning to run away again.
But every time that happened, I missed my wife and felt sorry about being away alone for a while within an hour after I had left. Quite clearly, I love my wife dearly, and my relationship with her is incomparable to any relationships I had ever before.
And still, when the idea for my trip to Africa began to take form, I wasn’t sure. Was I starting to run away again?
There were, and are, a number of things in our life I do not like. For one, my wife works too hard. She can not let go. She is too hooked up in the idea of having to make a secure living, to just take a deep breath and live every once in a while. I hate that. Then we have different ideas about small things like household and cleaning up and stuff. I hate it when things are not being put away in their place. Like when a garbage bag is taken down and dropped in from of the door to the garage, rather than take it 4 meters into the garage and put it where it belongs. That’s probably more my problem than that of my wife, and I try to ignore things like that, but not very successful. Maybe after Africa, that will have changed. It’s not like everything is neat and tidy down here. :-)
And of course, there is my work. The jobs I have done for various companies have left me unsatisfied. I did work that never gave me the feeling that there was a benefit for anything that is really important in life. Like the environment or wildlife. Or even human relationships.
Pharmaceutical industry? The only thing they are interested in is to have a sick enough population to earn billions from with lies about what we need and what we don’t need to live healthy.
Insurance companies? Their only interest is in premiums paid, and when it comes to paying for claims, they have whole teams of specialists to find reasons why this claim is not being paid by them.
Banks? Ever tried to get a loan when you needed it? And ever been bothered by them wanting to give you a loan when you didn’t need it?
Telecommunications industry? Give me one good reason why a simple worker in a low income country needs a second mobile phone. Need I say more?
No, my work has definitely been a reason why I have been wanting to run away for the last couple of years. And it wasn’t even the work itself. I’ve been working with fantastic, lovely people in various countries. We’ve accomplished work that we can be proud of in terms of actually getting it done when a lot of people believed it couldn’t be done anymore. So for that, the work was ok. It was just the idea of “ok, so we’ve accomplished another project for a multi-billion dollar company that isn’t doing mankind any good”.
So there were things in daily life at home I wasn’t happy about. And dissatisfaction with my work. And more than once, I was thinking of maybe giving it all up, get in the car and drive away from it all. Far away. 

So was Africa it? My latest form of running away?
To be honest, I didn’t know. All I knew, all I felt, was that I simply had to do it. 
But as Africa got closer, I was more and more beginning to fear the consequences. Was I going to discover a life out there which I wanted or needed so much that I would have to separate from my wife? I knew that she could never follow me to a life in Africa, far away from her family and our daughter. And if I did find such a life, would my daughter ever understand?
I couldn’t go back, but Africa began to scare the hell out of me.
I so much wanted to learn about the bush, wildlife, conservation, and about life in Africa. And yet I so much feared the consequences of what I might discover.

The first weeks of my trip were so filled with new impressions that I never really got to think about whether I was running or just experiencing. There was the Southern African Wildlife College, the camps, the new friends that were studying with me, the beauty of the country and the encounters with various wild animals. It was overwhelming. And although we were in a camp in the African Lowveld, I learned a lot about life in Africa from students that live in South-Africa. As well as about life as a guide or tour operator or lodge owner and a few other things which I could imagine being things I could do.
I was looking at property prices in the region and asked questions about how a foreigner could set up a business or lodge here.
I saw a whole range of opportunities in this part of the world. Opportunities that would mean a life without IT and without the companies I have been working for.
I also saw the danger our world is in.
I saw the grotesque situation man has created.
Our lives depend on nature. They depend on the oxygen it produces, the food it provides and the climate which we need to survive.
And here we are, destroying everything and treating some minor remaining patches of wild nature as entertainment, rather than treating them as the last straws we can only hope to be strong enough for us to hold onto for dear life.
Seeing this made me so unbelievably sad, and angry, and tired. It made me want to go back to my family and hold them tight and hope tomorrow never comes. It made me want to take out a gun and go for all those politicians and big business bosses who do not want to see this and only care for money and more money.
And suddenly, after a number of weeks in the African bush, I began to see myself in a different light.
Suddenly, I began to realise.
I wasn’t running away this time.
Suddenly, something happened which I least expected in the whole preparation for my trip to Africa. 
I wanted to go back home.
Not home in the sense of the house we are living in. That is just a bit of brick and mortar on a patch of land we borrowed from nature. Home in the sense of back to my family and the people I belong with. Grew up with. 
Home, in the sense of there, where I will have a chance of making people aware of the necessity to change things for the better of the world and of mankind.
Home as the place where maybe I can do things to support some of the people out there in unspoiled nature, trying to preserve what is left. With their lives if need be, for the benefit of us all.
And suddenly, I also felt that working for some of those industries I have been working for may be not so bad as long as they pay in such a way that I can spend time and money on projects that matter.

It took me a long time in the African bush, hoping to find out what I was running from, in order to find out I am not running at all. 
I found what I am and what I want to be. As well as where and with whom.
And now I am faced with the task of being that person as good as I can.